Everything I can't have
by CandyFlossRain
Summary: Bobby sits in a bar and muses about all the things he could never have, including his partner.


**Disclaimer**: Don't own it. Sorreh buddehs.

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Smoke, booze, and most importantly peanuts. They tended to be Bobby's companions, especially when the Christmas season came around. Everyone was so happy. Little children would run from store to store, their parents trailing after them, their eyes as bright as diamonds, their young minds racing. Detective Robert Goren had never been able to do that when he was younger. His father had left him, his mother, and brother to fend for themselves. His brother had slowly pulled away from the two and often retreated to other family's houses to spend the holidays, and every other time of the year at.

That would always leave Bobby, the younger of the two, to take care of their mentally disturbed mother. It wasn't that the young Bobby hadn't enjoyed being with his mother and being the man of the house, but some days he really did wish he would have been able to actually be a kid.

"No use dwelling on it now." he murmured softly to himself, pressing the top of the beer bottle to his lips as he tipped it up slightly, seeming content as the warm liquid ran down his throat. "Another beer." he stated, setting the empty bottle on the counter.

"Yes sir." the bartender stated, happily obliging as he opened another beer for the man and set it down on the counter in front of him. "There ya go."

"Thanks." Bobby muttered half heartedly as he took a sip of it, allowing his thoughts to wander. He once more thought back to his childhood, trying to remember all the holidays they had celebrated, and what they had been like. Christmas was the one that stood out the most, especially since he never got anything.

Sure, he knew as well as most people that Christmas wasn't just about the presents. It was about being with family and reminiscing. It was easier to think of Christmas in that light, when you actually had a full family, and things to reminisce about. Bobby Goren had neither, and was lucky if him and his mother had a full meal on Christmas Day together.

They always had food to eat, of course. It wasn't like they were poor. But his mother wasn't able to cook very well, even on the days she was perfectly lucid. He was always left to do all the cooking, and by the time he had finished cooking his own meal after cooking his mother's, she was asleep, or doing other things, leaving him to finish off the food on his own.

He had been grateful back then, still. Even if there were alot of things he couldn't have.

Mike Logan, one of the detectives he worked with, had asked him an odd question earlier that day. Logan had asked Bobby what he wanted for Christmas, and the larger detective hadn't been able to answer.

But now, as he sat on the bar stool in a buzzed state, he was able to think of one solitary thing he'd like for Christmas.

Alex Eames.

Yeah, he wanted his partner, more than anything. He wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to love her. It was almost torture having to work with her day in and day out, and not be able to show her the affection he wanted to. Sure, when they finished a hard case they'd pat each other on the back, and he was always happy when there was a large crowd around a crime scene, because he was allowed to set his hand on his partner's lower back to help lead her through the masses of people.

But other than that, his needs were far from satisfied. He wasn't sure when he had begun to like his partner. The first day he had met her, he hadn't had a very positive outlook. Frankly, he didn't have reason to, especially since the longest he had been with a partner was two months before they turned and ran as far from him as possible.

A few weeks into it, he had thought it was going to turn out like all his other partnerships. He could tell by the looks she would give him, and how she didn't linger in his presence longer than needed, that she found the way he worked...disgusting. Unorthodox. Different.

But one day, they had both been working hard on a case, trying to figure it out in their own ways, not working together at all. Bobby had muttered some odd conclusion he had gathered, and had looked up to find Eames watching him. Their whole partnership had changed when she said two words. "You're right."

Not only did she say those words, but she explained how he had reached his conclusion. It was then that they both began to have a deeper understanding of each other. Their partnership had gone uphill from there.

"Perhaps that's when I feel for her..." he murmured softly to himself, his voice easily drowned out by the sounds of the bar. "When I found out she understood me..."

He sighed and polished off the rest of the beer he had been nursing. Putting some money on the counter, he stood and stretched.

"Two bad Eames is something I can't have..." he mused to himself, scratching his head, before padding out of the bar, shivering as the cool night air engulfed him. "She's not just something." he stated as he began walking, perfectly comfortable talking with himself.

"She is **everything** I can't have." with a sad smile, he seemed to almost vanish into the night, taking his sorrows with him.

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**Author's Notes**: I really don't know. o.o I just wanted to write a musing Bobby fic, and I plan on making a partner fic to this called "Everything I want" with Alex and stuff. And then, maybe I should write a third fic connecting the two? I dunno, tell me if you like the idea ne? Review. It makes me happy in the pants. 


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